Ten Ways to Empower Your Daughter

1.         Teach her that only God defines her value (not boys, friends, her appearance, her achievements etc.)

2.      Encourage a personal relationship with Christ. Show her how to pray, read the scriptures and how to have a devotion time with God.

3.       Remind her of her strengths. Verbally lift her up in front of others

4.       Encourage her to take risks but respect her when she feels cautious.

5.       Teach her how to have a voice for herself and how to set boundaries with friends, boys, teachers etc.

6.      Teach her how to be healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually.

7.       Always speak to her in a respectful way, even if you are angry. Do not argue with her like a sister or a friend.

8.       Work it out with her. You are the adult in the relationship. Teach her how to work through conflict.

9.      Own your mistakes and apologize to her when you have made a mistake.

10.    Model Godly behavior. Be the woman you desire for her to become! (Wilkins, 2013)

Why a Marriage and Family Therapist Wants You to Exercise More!

My clients are always a bit surprised when the first homework assignment I give them is to increase their exercise. Whether they are depressed, anxious, angry or just stressed out, one of my first questions is “How often do you exercise?”

Why do I care? Physical activity is closely linked to our emotional well-being. Numerous studies report that exercise affects and improves our mood. We are happier, calmer and less stressed if we are moving on a regular basis. According to the article “Exercise and Depression” on WebMD, we release a chemical called endorphins when we exercise. Endorphins act as analgesics, which mean they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. Thus endorphins trigger both positive and calming feelings in the body(WebMD, 2011).

According to an article called “Depression and Anxiety: Exercise Eases Symptoms” written by the Mayo Clinic Staff, exercise will also reduce the immune system chemicals that can worsen depression. Activity also increases our body temperature which can have a calming effect(Mayo Clinic, 2011).

Exercise also impacts your interpersonal relationships. Improved self esteem, mood and reduced stress allow us to function and problem solve better in our relationships. Not to mention, exercise also helps your sex life! A Harvard University study of 160 male and female swimmers in their 40s and 60s showed a positive relationship between regular physical activity and the frequency and enjoyment of sexual intercourse. Results stated swimmers in their 60s reported sex lives comparable to people in the general population in their 40s (Krucoff & Krucoff, 2000). Bortz & Wallace (1999) also found a high level of sexual activity and satisfaction to be correlated with degree of fitness in both older men and women.

So if you are thinking about adding exercise to your New Year’s Resolution list this year, go for it! Not only will your body have great results, but your emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships will benefit as well. ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013 

Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents (written by NASP)

 

Like many parents across our country today, I felt sad, angry, sick and  helpless as I watched the news reports about the tragedy in Conneticut this morning.  I will definitley hug my kids extra tight tonight. Immediately I knew I would need to discuss this with my own kids. But how? How much do I say? How do I reassure them if they feel fearful? Here is a great article written by NASP, the National Association of School Psychologists, on talking to kids about the killings at Sandy Hook Elementary today. Hope this is helpful!, Elaine Wilkins, MFT 

( If your child is struggling with fear or anxiety in light of these events and you would like professional help, do not hesitate to call us Wilkins Family Counseling (951) 231-1655)

 

 

 High profile acts of violence, particularly in schools, can confuse and frighten children who may feel in danger or worry that their friends or loved ones are at risk. They will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react.

Parents and school personnel can help children feel safe by establishing a sense of normalcy and security and talking with them about their fears.

1. Reassure children that they are safe. Emphasize that schools are typically very safe. Validate their feelings. Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy occurs. Let children talk about their feelings, help put them into perspective, and assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately.
2. Make time to talk. Let their questions be your guide as to how much
information to provide. Be patient; children and youth do not always talk about their feelings readily. Watch for clues that they may want to talk, such as hovering around while you do the dishes or yard work. Some children prefer writing, playing music, or doing an art project as an outlet. Young children may need concrete activities (such as drawing, looking at picture books, or imaginative play) to help them identify and express their feelings.

3. Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate.

Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that
should be balanced with reassurances that their school and homes are
safe and that adults are there to protect them. Give simple examples of school safety like reminding children about exterior doors being locked,child monitoring efforts on the playground, and emergency drills practiced during the school day.

Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy.Discuss efforts of school and community leaders to provide safe schools.

Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and

varying opinions about the causes of violence in schools and society. They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. Emphasize the role that students have in maintaining safe schools by following school safety guidelines (e.g. not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, reporting threats to the school safety made by students or community
members, etc.), communicating any personal safety concerns to school
administrators, and accessing support for emotional needs.

4. Review safety procedures. This should include procedures and safeguards at
school and at home. Help children identify at least one adult at school and
in the community to whom they go if they feel threatened or at risk.

5. Observe children’s emotional state. Some children may not express their

concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also
indicate a child’s level of anxiety or discomfort. Symptoms will ease with reassurance and time. However, some children may
be at risk for more intense reactions. Children who have had a past traumatic
experience or personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness,
or with special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others.
Seek the help of mental health professional if you are at all concerned.

6. Limit television viewing of these events. Limit television viewing and be
aware if the television is on in common areas. Developmentally
inappropriate information can cause anxiety or confusion, particularly in
young children. Adults also need to be mindful of the content of
conversations that they have with each other in front of children, even
teenagers, and limit their exposure to vengeful, hateful, and angry
comments that might be misunderstood.
 

7. Maintain a normal routine. Keeping to a regular schedule can be reassuring and promote physical health. Ensure that children get plenty of sleep, regular

meals, and exercise. Encourage them to keep up with their schoolwork and

extracurricular activities but don’t push them if they seem overwhelmed.

Suggested Points to Emphasize When Talking to Children

• Schools are typically safe places. School staff works with parents and public safety

providers (local police and fire departments, emergency responders,

hospitals, etc.) to keep you safe.

• The school building is safe because … (cite specific school procedures).

• We all play a role in the school safety. Be observant and let an adult know if

you see or hear something that makes you feel uncomfortable, nervous or

frightened.

• There is a difference between reporting, tattling or gossiping. You can provide

important information that may prevent harm either directly or anonymously

by telling a trusted adult what you know or hear.

• Although there is no absolute guarantee that something bad will never

happen, it is important to understand the difference between the

possibility of something happening and probability that it will affect you (our school

community).

 

Senseless violence is hard for everyone to understand. Doing things that you enjoy, sticking to your normal routine, and being with friends and family help

make us feel better and keep us from worrying about the event.

• Sometimes people do bad things that hurt others. They may be unable to

handle their anger, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or suffering from

mental illness. Adults (parents, teachers, police officers, doctors, faith leaders)

work very hard to get those people help and keep them from hurting others.

It is important for all of us to know how to get help if we feel really upset or

angry and to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

• Stay away from guns and other weapons. Tell an adult if you know someone

has a gun. Access to guns is one of the leading risk factors for deadly violence.

• Violence is never a solution to personal problems. Students can be part of the

positive solution by participating in anti-violence programs at school, learning

conflict mediation skills, and seeking help from an adult if they or a peer is

struggling with anger, depression, or other emotions they cannot control.

© 2007, National Association of School Psychologists

 

 

Holidays and Stress:
Making the Most of Your Family Celebrations

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Or, is it?

We all look forward to creating lasting and enjoyable family memories. We may even envision a “picture perfect” holiday that resembles a Norman Rockwell painting or even a Martha Stewart magazine cover. However, it is inevitable that some parts of the holidays don’t exactly leave us feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Although joyful, this can actually be a very overwhelming time of the year. Our schedules are full and demanding, our finances stretched, we get less sleep, our diets are compromised, and our relationship problems rise to the surface. Combine these ingredients and you have a recipe for stress and sometimes clinical depression.

How can a family cope with this stressful time?

• Take some time to think about what you really want to achieve this holiday. Ignore the cultural messages of how your holiday should look . The house doesn’t have to look perfect, the meals don’t have to be gourmet and you don’t have to attend every “get-together”. Define what the holidays really mean to you. What do you want your children to learn or experience during the holidays

• Be realistic! Do not over pack your schedule. Decide as a family the events and traditions that are most special and focus on enjoying them. Children especially are overwhelmed if they have to attend one event after another. Children from families of divorce may be asked to attend double the events. Remember that they may feel pulled in both directions at this time of the year. Be sensitive to this and think about their needs before your own.

• Take care of the physical needs of yourself and your family. You will enjoy your holiday more. There are goodies everywhere, so enjoy them in moderation and try to keep meals balanced with healthy foods. Your body needs fuel during this hectic time. Too much sugar, caffeine, and alcohol can actually exasperate stress. Try to get as much sleep as you can and don’t forget to exercise

• Stick to a Budget. Make your financial plan ahead of time and stick to it!! It is easy to overspend but in the long run it can be more damaging. Remember your kids will remember quality time and fun memories more than the amount of gifts you give. Think about what you remember as being special from your childhood. 

                                                                 

• Grin and bear it!! The relational dysfunctions of your family of origin (the family you grew up in), your in-laws, and your nuclear family (your spouse and kids) tend to become very noticeable during the holidays. Be aware of your feelings and if you notice a pattern that is unhealthy decide you will deal with it after the holidays. For now, accept these imperfections in yourself and others and enjoy the holiday together. Be thankful for the family you have!

• Transitioning Back to School. Remember that after the holidays children may have a hard time transitioning back to their regular school schedule. This is normal and you may experience crying, clinging, refusal to go to school, acting out behavior etc.. Stay consistent and firm. Remember “this too shall pass!”

• Seek professional help. If your stress seems worse than usual and you are experiencing feelings of guilt or hopelessness, fatigue, lack of interest in normal activities, or even suicidal thoughts, you may be clinically depressed. It is not unusual for clinical depression to be triggered by this time of the year. Seek professional help if you are experiencing these symptoms.

• Remember Christ! Jesus is definitely the “reason for the season”! Find ways to keep Him the focus of your holidays. Go to www.celebratingholidays.com for the Christian history and symbols of several holidays including Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I would like to wish you and your family a wonderful holiday. I hope you are richly blessed with wonderful experiences and that you create lasting memories during this time of the year. If you are experiencing any difficulties and need counseling, I would consider it my privilege to help you now or any time of the year. ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2012 

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

A Resource Guide for Separation Anxiety

What is Separation Anxiety?

Most children experience a degree of separation anxiety at some time. The typical developmental stage for separation anxiety is between the ages of 6 months and 24 months. Normal symptoms at this age include crying, clinging, or tantrums when separated from their primary caregiver. Older children in pre-school or elementary school, may also experience anxiety when leaving their parents. Common symptoms in older children may also include crying, clinging and even refusing to go to school or other activities they once had no trouble attending.

What Can a Parent Do?

Infants and Toddlers-

*Take a deep breath and reduce your own anxiety about separation when in front of your child. Children can feed off their parent’s anxiety.

*Arrange times for your child to consistently spend some time with another loving adult. (a neighbor, a friend, or maybe a church nursery) They will then get familiar with spending time with others.

*Never leave the child without saying “good-bye” and that you will come back. It may be tempting to sneak away but this sends a message to your child that they cannot depend on you to tell them when you are leaving. This could actually increase their anxiety if they learn they won’t know when you might leave.

*Once you have said “goodbye” leave quickly. Don’t hover and hesitate. Your child needs to learn that it is OK to say goodbye and that when you say it you mean it. Long and drawn- out goodbyes are more difficult on the child.

*Give your child a special transitional object to hold while you are away, such as a blanket or stuffed animal. This will make them feel more secure and will remind them of you.

Pre-school and Elementary School Children-

*Continue with the above information

*Unless there are medical reasons why your child cannot attend school, he or she should go! Allowing the child to stay home may enable him or her not deal with his or her anxiety. Talk with your child’s teacher or principal and devise a plan to help your child deal with his or her anxiety.

*Give your child a more age-appropriate transitional object (a picture of your family, a special note from you, a pocket sized rock or trinket that you can kiss before he or she leaves and which can be held by the child when they feel anxious).

* Develop a “bravery chart”. Every time you child attends school or other activity that causes anxiety he or she can earn a small treat or a special privilege. Never take away points! This is only to motivate and reward the child for positive behavior. Phase out the rewards once the child sees he is capable handling his fears. Explain rewards are only given in the beginning to help him/her get used to this new transition.

*Predict their success through a story. This allows the child to visualize himself handling his anxious feelings well. This tool is used by top athletes to visualize success in their sports. Tell your child a story about a successful day pretending you are him or her. Make sure the story includes what they are fearful of and make up a scenario with them handling it well. (“My name is Sarah and today I got up and had breakfast. I had oatmeal and it was yummy. I then put on my zebra leotard and my mom took me to gymnastics. I felt afraid at first but them I saw my coach Miss Carrie. She gave me a high five and then I felt better. I jumped on the trampoline and I had lots of fun! My scared feelings went way!”)

*Find an “anchor child” in your child’s class. This is another child that your child either has expressed that they like or maybe you think they would like them. Invite that child and his parent over for a play date or meet at the park to play. This allows your child to develop a deeper relationship with this child outside of class. Next time you go to class you can say “Hey look Johnny is here!” Your child will immediately feel more comfortable once they see they are not alone.

* Provide soothing activities at home such as drawing, painting, clay, water play etc.

These activities can relax your child and help reduce his or her anxiety at later times.

*Encourage the child to “play” out his or her worries with dolls, puppets, or action figures. Play "school" with your child. They can pretend to be the teacher or coach. Psychotherapists have used play therapy for years to help children work through their feelings. Play is a like a mini-world to children where they can process their emotions about the real world.

*Read stories about separation. (The Kissing Hand by, Audrey Penn; Franklin Goes to School by, Paulette Bourgeois) Reading books about separation normalizes the problem to the child and can build their confidence.

* If your child complains of physical problems such a stomach aches, headaches etc., discuss this with your pediatrician or school nurse. Your child may not really be sick, rather physically reacting to their internal anxiety. If your doctor decides he/she is not sick try externalizing the feelings by saying “Your tummy is trying to trick you by feeling sick…when your tummy does that tell him to be quiet and leave you alone!” Make sure your child eats a healthy breakfast and discuss with your pediatrician whether a mild antacid would help before school.

* Mom and Dad take a deep breath! This is such a hard thing to see your child go through! Hang in there and stay consistent with your plan. Typically this problem gets better with time. Remember it is actually a good thing for your child to learn that he/she can get through this. Anxieties regarding separation or new transitions are a part of life. Conquering this will equip them for later challenges in life.    ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2011

Summer Bucket List

Summer is here! Barbeques, vacations, beach days, long walks at night, and movies in the park. It is a fun time for the whole family! Summer can also be relaxing and a time to reconnect with each other. Our schedules are not as hectic during the summer. The mad dash to complete homework at night or to wake up for school is lifted for at least a short time. Sociologist William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, emphasized the importance of rituals of connection in families. Doherty says, “Families have lost control of their time and are missing out on family rituals such as regular dinners, weekend outings, visits with grandparents, and family vacations”  Families that are intentional on how they spend their summer can have deeper more meaningful experiences.

So why not step back and actually make a plan for your summer? Develop a “mission statement” for your family. Define what you really want to accomplish or experience so you have some direction for your summer vacation.

Keep it balanced

When deciding what you want to do this summer, I recommend that you keep it balanced. If there are no plans kids can get bored. This can lead to a depressed mood or an increase in sibling rivalry. However, don’t over-schedule your summer either! Consider quiet, relaxing goals that also allow for refreshment and reconnection. This kind of time is good for kids and for adults too! Maybe you also want to achieve some educational or spiritual enrichment. It will be different for every family.  

Develop Your Summer B.U.C.K.E.T List:

B- Biblical or Spiritual Growth- Consider using this vacation time to grow spiritually as a family. You might start a family Bible study, find an OTS- Opportunity To Serve in your church or community, send your kids to a church day camp or overnight camp.

U-Unwind- Kids and parents are very busy during the school year. Use the summer to unwind and refresh yourselves. Some ideas might be to take long walks, sit by a fire and talk, relax at a pool or beach, make some days a “no plan” day, sleep in.

C- Connect- Summer is a great time to reconnect as a family and focus on relationships.  Some ideas are to get a baby sitter and plan a date night with your spouse, have a “no technology” night, read a portion of a chapter book with your child each day, start a friendship journal with your child and write each other notes back and forth,  enrich relationships with extended family or neighbors (have them over for a BBQ)

K-Keep Up with Academics- We want our kids to relax and have fun over summer, but we  also want them to continue to learn. Summer is a great time to brush up on an area your child is struggling with or to have fun with some interesting educational activities. Some ideas are to sign up for a writing camp, hire a tutor, start a reading plan at home (let your child earn points and rewards),  get a journal and practice writing about adventures over the summer, make books over the summer, play educational games, visit your community library, and take day trips to museums, zoos or other educational

E- Exercise- Keep kids active! Exercise is closely linked to our mood. Not only do we have an epidemic of childhood obesity but we also have a rise in childhood depression in our country. Keeping kids active is imperative to their physical and emotional health. Some ideas are to sign your child up for a sport, take walks at night as a family, go swimming at the beach or pool, and encourage kids to play outside!

T- Try New and Fun Experiences! Don’t forget to plan some fun activities or vacations. These are those summer memories you will cherish for years to come. Some ideas are to start a family game night, attend activities put on by your community, plan a fun vacation, have a party or barbeque.

Once you set your goals and make your plan, assess a week at a time. Did we incorporate our B.U.C.K.E.T list this week? If you don’t achieve your goals every week, don’t sweat it! Your plan does not need to be rigid, but rather a way to give you direction. 

       ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2012

                           Develop Your Own
Family Summer B.U.C.K.E.T List

B- Biblical and Spiritual Growth ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

U- Unwind ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

C-Connect ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

K-Keep Up with Academics ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

E- Exercise ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

T- Try Fun and New Experiences ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Mothers and Preteen/Teen Daughters: Reminders for Good Communication

 

Mothers and daughters certainly have one of the most complex relationships. On one hand, this relationship can be close, deep and satisfying. Mothers and daughters are known to share their hearts and dreams on a very deep level. On the other hand, this relationship can also be incredibly challenging and stressful. Moms and daughters can get caught in battles that become harmful and even toxic. Like any relationship it may also go through seasons. There are times when a mother and daughter are very close and times when they are disconnected. It is a relationship that takes patience, communication and work. Ultimately mothers and daughters want the same things. They both want to feel loved and respected. When these are mutually expressed it is an investment that can take the mother daughter relationship to amazing depths. This handout has been designed as a spring board.  It can serve as a beginning for a mom and daughter who are trying to improve their relationship.  It provides reminders for both mother and daughter and some ideas of how to re-establish good connections.

Reminders for Mothers

•          If your relationship with your daughter is difficult you need to commit to working it out! You are the adult. It is your responsibility to make sure this happens. If you give up on your daughter what is that teaching her? That relationships aren’t worth the effort? Our culture gives us numerous messages that a relationship should make us happy and if it doesn’t……….leave. This attitude fuels our divorce rate. Teach your daughter that relationships are about commitment and loyalty. That we work hard to make our relationships thrive. This might mean you have to do some homework. You may need to get advice from friends and family, you may need to read some parenting books, or you may need to meet with a pastor or professional counselor to help guide you.

•          Do not get caught in a catty battle with your daughter. Again, you are the adult. If you argue with her like a sister and then expect respect from her you will find this is difficult to achieve. You are the model during these years. Show her how to express frustration and anger. You want your home to be a refuge for your family members.  Your daughter will not always be happy about the limitations you set. Decide ahead of time how she can express anger and frustration.  Clearly define what is acceptable and what is disrespectful. Choose your battles wisely here. For example you may be ok with your daughter saying she dislikes a rule or limit or maybe even sighing or groaning . However you may decide to set a limit with eye-rolling or yelling out “That’s lame!” This will be different from home to home. Just remember, your daughter needs a way to express her difficult feelings.

•          Understand the developmental tasks of the pre-teen and teen years. Developmentally this is the stage when girls are trying to feel autonomous. They are trying to feel like they can be independent and try things on their own but they still need moms support. This is similar to the toddler years. Remember when you took your daughter to the park as a toddler? She would run out and explore the playground on her own but then run back to you to make sure you were there and watching her. This is what your pre-teen and teen are doing too. They are venturing out into the world and trying to handle things on their own one minute (God forbid if you try to help) and needing you and your support the next minute. This feels very confusing to moms. If feels like your daughter wants you to be involved in her life one day and the next day she is completely pushing you out. Ouch! That hurts. Be patient mom. Your daughter is experimenting with autonomy. She will vacillate between needing you and trying to handle things on her own. This is one part of her developmental tasks and it is also instinctual. You want her to go through this so she will be ready to launch from you in the college years. Find ways to help her explore and try out independence while being there for her when it feels too scary Tell her if she hurts your feelings. Teach her how to tell you in a respectful way when she wants space.

•         Take time to listen! Pre-teen and teen girls are going through a lot of changes and they need a sounding board. Girls tend to like to process their feeling by talking it through.  Consider renaming a chair or loveseat in your home as the “listening chair”. Make a rule that you can only listen while sitting in this chair or loveseat. Your daughter can then take you there when she needs JUST a listener. Often times as mothers we try to come up with solutions too quickly and this shuts down our daughters and they stop sharing with us. In the “listening chair” you cannot say anything …just listen. Listen to her heart! This allows your daughter the freedom to talk and process information as she talks. She may just figure out some good solutions on her own.  Be careful, if she opens up and then you use this information against her she may hesitate to open up again. Of course if some things are said that need to be eventually addressed you can do that at a later time. ……….but while in the “listening chair” bite your lip mom!

•         Encourage honesty! All daughters will make mistakes. We know that will happen. It is when our daughters feel they can’t talk to us or lie to us that things can get dangerous. Be approachable. If your daughter is brave enough to tell you she did something wrong don’t freak out.!  Let her know how proud you are that she came to you . Really ham it up if you need to! This helps build her conscious if she knows you believe in her. You should still have a consequence for what she did wrong, but have an agreement that she will ALWAYS get in less trouble if she is honest with you.

•         Don’t be critical! In your desire to care about your daughter you can send negative messages that are hard on her self esteem. Don’t forget the self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone hears over and over that they can’t do anything right they will begin to think of themselves as a failure. In her book “You’re Wearing That?” Deborah Tannen discusses how mothers often have a meta-message behind their messages that can be very critical. Careful of this! It will ultimately push your daughter away. God directly tells us not to exasperate our children. In Ephesians 6:4.

•         Build up your daughter! The world will tell your daughter she is not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough etc, etc. Tell her regularly how special she is.  Model God’s unconditional love and help see her many talents and gifts.

Reminders for Daughters

•         Your mom wants to give you the world!  She wants you to enjoy life and have lots of fun, exciting experiences! Really! I am serious about this!  I know, you may feel like she says “NO” to everything……………..well there is a reason for that! She is scared! I mean REALLY scared. Believe me in this world today moms and dads are freaked about all the scary things that can happen to their precious princess!  Ok, I know I sound a bit corny but it is true. This is THE most important thing you need to remember in your preteen and teen years. You job is to learn how to help mom feel safe so that you can get to experience lots of fun and cool things, Show her you are ready for things and that she can trust you! How?? ………….keep reading girl!

•         First,  remember that you need to show mom that she can trust you! When she has rules ……………ummmm, hello? Follow them!!! Every time you lie or break a rule you have just proved to her that you are not ready for certain privileges. You also break trust!!  Trust is like a brick wall. It takes time to build it. If you lie or break a rule it is not like taking off the top brick but the bottom brick and the whole wall comes tumbling down again.  So follow her rules and don’t lie!! This builds trust and believe me it is the easiest equation out there TRUST = MORE PRIVILEGES!

•         There is another way that will show mom you are ready for bigger and better privileges! How you handle the word NO.  Guess what ? If you pout, roll your eyes, slam doors, say “This is so lame!” or “This is so unfair!”……….you have just shown mom that she was indeed right…………you are not ready for this privilege. Instead calmly ask mom why the answer is no. Listen and really show her you are trying to understand her point of view. Explain why you think you can handle it and assure her that you will do your best to stay safe. She may still say no (you may just not be old enough yet). You can let her know you are bummed when she says “no”, but don’t have a fit! This maturity will not be forgotten and mom may just consider letting you have that privilege sooner than she originally planned to!  This method really works! So again, learn to handle “NO” with maturity!

•         Show you are listening!!  This is your golden ticket! If your mom lectures you forever, it is probably because you are not showing her you are listening! The more you look away, pick at your nails, act completely bored, roll your eyes, the lecture will just get longer and longer!! Mom feels like she has to say what she wants to say a million times because you are not showing her you get it. As hard as it is, because you may be angry, nod your head, make eye contact, even repeat back in your own words what you hear her saying. I am not telling you this just so you can fake your way out of a lecture. I want you to genuinely listen! If you do, mom can calm down and be more succinct (which means a shorter lecture) because she can tell you are listening. However, sometimes what she has to say is a really big deal! Thus, she may have A LOT to say!!  Can’t help you there. You just need to pay attention and show her you care and that you are listening!

•         Show appreciation for dear mom. Come on we all know how much mom does for us. The one thing that really makes mom boil is when she does not feel appreciated. Tell her you notice how nice the house looks or that you liked the lunch she made for her. Thank her when she goes out of her way for you. (pssst…don’t just do this when you want something………moms are too smart for that and it will just make her mad!) Genuine appreciation goes a long way with mothers!

•         Treat mom with respect. Mom’s have feelings too. If you are angry at her just talk to her about it! Define with mom acceptable ways to show you disagree or you are angry or frustrated. Don’t use passive aggressive ways of expressing anger such as rolling eyes, muttering mean things under your breath, mocking her etc. If you aren’t sure what is disrespectful talk to mom about it….she’ll let you know! 

•         Communicate, communicate, communicate……………..talk to mom and let her know your heart. It’s scary to let mom in sometimes because you might be afraid she’ll freak out if she knows too much! She will actually be calmer if she feels like she really knows what you are thinking. Help her see you are trying to make good decisions. Don’t forget she loves you and a close relationship with your mother is one of the best treasures you will ever have. Work WITH her and I promise you won’t regret it . 

Good Luck moms and daughters. I wish you the best in your relationship. If you ever feel the need to have a mediator to help you get through some tough issues please call me at (951)231-1667 #2 or email me at elaine@thevinecounseling.com.  It would be my privilege to help you though this difficult time!  

 ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2011