Mothers and daughters certainly have one of the most complex relationships. On one hand, this relationship can be close, deep and satisfying. Mothers and daughters are known to share their hearts and dreams on a very deep level. On the other hand, this relationship can also be incredibly challenging and stressful. Moms and daughters can get caught in battles that become harmful and even toxic. Like any relationship it may also go through seasons. There are times when a mother and daughter are very close and times when they are disconnected. It is a relationship that takes patience, communication and work. Ultimately mothers and daughters want the same things. They both want to feel loved and respected. When these are mutually expressed it is an investment that can take the mother daughter relationship to amazing depths. This handout has been designed as a spring board. It can serve as a beginning for a mom and daughter who are trying to improve their relationship. It provides reminders for both mother and daughter and some ideas of how to re-establish good connections.
Reminders for Mothers
- If your relationship with your daughter is difficult you need to commit to working it out! You are the adult. It is your responsibility to make sure this happens. If you give up on your daughter what is that teaching her? That relationships aren’t worth the effort? Our culture gives us numerous messages that a relationship should make us happy and if it doesn’t……….leave. This attitude fuels our divorce rate. Teach your daughter that relationships are about commitment and loyalty. That we work hard to make our relationships thrive. This might mean you have to do some homework. You may need to get advice from friends and family, you may need to read some parenting books, or you may need to meet with a pastor or professional counselor to help guide you.
- Do not get caught in a catty battle with your daughter. Again, you are the adult. If you argue with her like a sister and then expect respect from her you will find this is difficult to achieve. You are the model during these years. Show her how to express frustration and anger. You want your home to be a refuge for your family members. Your daughter will not always be happy about the limitations you set. Decide ahead of time how she can express anger and frustration. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is disrespectful. Choose your battles wisely here. For example you may be ok with your daughter saying she dislikes a rule or limit or maybe even sighing or groaning . However you may decide to set a limit with eye-rolling or yelling out “That’s lame!” This will be different from home to home. Just remember, your daughter needs a way to express her difficult feelings.
- Understand the developmental tasks of the pre-teen and teen years. Developmentally this is the stage when girls are trying to feel autonomous. They are trying to feel like they can be independent and try things on their own but they still need moms support. This is similar to the toddler years. Remember when you took your daughter to the park as a toddler? She would run out and explore the playground on her own but then run back to you to make sure you were there and watching her. This is what your pre-teen and teen are doing too. They are venturing out into the world and trying to handle things on their own one minute (God forbid if you try to help) and needing you and your support the next minute. This feels very confusing to moms. If feels like your daughter wants you to be involved in her life one day and the next day she is completely pushing you out. Ouch! That hurts. Be patient mom. Your daughter is experimenting with autonomy. She will vacillate between needing you and trying to handle things on her own. This is one part of her developmental tasks and it is also instinctual. You want her to go through this so she will be ready to launch from you in the college years. Find ways to help her explore and try out independence while being there for her when it feels too scary Tell her if she hurts your feelings. Teach her how to tell you in a respectful way when she wants space.
- Take time to listen! Pre-teen and teen girls are going through a lot of changes and they need a sounding board. Girls tend to like to process their feeling by talking it through. Consider renaming a chair or loveseat in your home as the “listening chair”. Make a rule that you can only listen while sitting in this chair or loveseat. Your daughter can then take you there when she needs JUST a listener. Often times as mothers we try to come up with solutions too quickly and this shuts down our daughters and they stop sharing with us. In the “listening chair” you cannot say anything …just listen. Listen to her heart! This allows your daughter the freedom to talk and process information as she talks. She may just figure out some good solutions on her own. Be careful, if she opens up and then you use this information against her she may hesitate to open up again. Of course if some things are said that need to be eventually addressed you can do that at a later time. ……….but while in the “listening chair” bite your lip mom!
- Encourage honesty! All daughters will make mistakes. We know that will happen. It is when our daughters feel they can’t talk to us or lie to us that things can get dangerous. Be approachable. If your daughter is brave enough to tell you she did something wrong don’t freak out.! Let her know how proud you are that she came to you . Really ham it up if you need to! This helps build her conscious if she knows you believe in her. You should still have a consequence for what she did wrong, but have an agreement that she will ALWAYS get in less trouble if she is honest with you.
- Don’t be critical! In your desire to care about your daughter you can send negative messages that are hard on her self esteem. Don’t forget the self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone hears over and over that they can’t do anything right they will begin to think of themselves as a failure. In her book “You’re Wearing That?” Deborah Tannen discusses how mothers often have a meta-message behind their messages that can be very critical. Careful of this! It will ultimately push your daughter away. God directly tells us not to exasperate our children. In Ephesians 6:4.
- Build up your daughter! The world will tell your daughter she is not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough etc, etc. Tell her regularly how special she is. Model God’s unconditional love and help see her many talents and gifts.
Reminders for Daughters
- Your mom wants to give you the world! She wants you to enjoy life and have lots of fun, exciting experiences! Really! I am serious about this! I know, you may feel like she says “NO” to everything……………..well there is a reason for that! She is scared! I mean REALLY scared. Believe me in this world today moms and dads are freaked about all the scary things that can happen to their precious princess! Ok, I know I sound a bit corny but it is true. This is THE most important thing you need to remember in your preteen and teen years. You job is to learn how to help mom feel safe so that you can get to experience lots of fun and cool things, Show her you are ready for things and that she can trust you! How?? ………….keep reading girl!
- First, remember that you need to show mom that she can trust you! When she has rules ……………ummmm, hello? Follow them!!! Every time you lie or break a rule you have just proved to her that you are not ready for certain privileges. You also break trust!! Trust is like a brick wall. It takes time to build it. If you lie or break a rule it is not like taking off the top brick but the bottom brick and the whole wall comes tumbling down again. So follow her rules and don’t lie!! This builds trust and believe me it is the easiest equation out there TRUST = MORE PRIVILEGES!
- There is another way that will show mom you are ready for bigger and better privileges! How you handle the word NO. Guess what ? If you pout, roll your eyes, slam doors, say “This is so lame!” or “This is so unfair!”……….you have just shown mom that she was indeed right…………you are not ready for this privilege. Instead calmly ask mom why the answer is no. Listen and really show her you are trying to understand her point of view. Explain why you think you can handle it and assure her that you will do your best to stay safe. She may still say no (you may just not be old enough yet). You can let her know you are bummed when she says “no”, but don’t have a fit! This maturity will not be forgotten and mom may just consider letting you have that privilege sooner than she originally planned to! This method really works! So again, learn to handle “NO” with maturity!
- Show you are listening!! This is your golden ticket! If your mom lectures you forever, it is probably because you are not showing her you are listening! The more you look away, pick at your nails, act completely bored, roll your eyes, the lecture will just get longer and longer!! Mom feels like she has to say what she wants to say a million times because you are not showing her you get it. As hard as it is, because you may be angry, nod your head, make eye contact, even repeat back in your own words what you hear her saying. I am not telling you this just so you can fake your way out of a lecture. I want you to genuinely listen! If you do, mom can calm down and be more succinct (which means a shorter lecture) because she can tell you are listening. However, sometimes what she has to say is a really big deal! Thus, she may have A LOT to say!! Can’t help you there. You just need to pay attention and show her you care and that you are listening!
- Show appreciation for dear mom. Come on we all know how much mom does for us. The one thing that really makes mom boil is when she does not feel appreciated. Tell her you notice how nice the house looks or that you liked the lunch she made for her. Thank her when she goes out of her way for you. (pssst…don’t just do this when you want something………moms are too smart for that and it will just make her mad!) Genuine appreciation goes a long way with mothers!
- Treat mom with respect. Mom’s have feelings too. If you are angry at her just talk to her about it! Define with mom acceptable ways to show you disagree or you are angry or frustrated. Don’t use passive aggressive ways of expressing anger such as rolling eyes, muttering mean things under your breath, mocking her etc. If you aren’t sure what is disrespectful talk to mom about it….she’ll let you know!
- Communicate, communicate, communicate……………..talk to mom and let her know your heart. It’s scary to let mom in sometimes because you might be afraid she’ll freak out if she knows too much! She will actually be calmer if she feels like she really knows what you are thinking. Help her see you are trying to make good decisions. Don’t forget she loves you and a close relationship with your mother is one of the best treasures you will ever have. Work WITH her and I promise you won’t regret it .
Good Luck moms and daughters. I wish you the best in your relationship. If you ever feel the need to have a mediator to help you get through some tough issues please call me at (951)231-1667 #2 or email me at elaine@thevinecounseling.com. It would be my privilege to help you though this difficult time!
©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2011
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