Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

A Resource Guide for Separation Anxiety

What is Separation Anxiety?

Most children experience a degree of separation anxiety at some time. The typical developmental stage for separation anxiety is between the ages of 6 months and 24 months. Normal symptoms at this age include crying, clinging, or tantrums when separated from their primary caregiver. Older children in pre-school or elementary school, may also experience anxiety when leaving their parents. Common symptoms in older children may also include crying, clinging and even refusing to go to school or other activities they once had no trouble attending.

What Can a Parent Do?

Infants and Toddlers-

*Take a deep breath and reduce your own anxiety about separation when in front of your child. Children can feed off their parent’s anxiety.

*Arrange times for your child to consistently spend some time with another loving adult. (a neighbor, a friend, or maybe a church nursery) They will then get familiar with spending time with others.

*Never leave the child without saying “good-bye” and that you will come back. It may be tempting to sneak away but this sends a message to your child that they cannot depend on you to tell them when you are leaving. This could actually increase their anxiety if they learn they won’t know when you might leave.

*Once you have said “goodbye” leave quickly. Don’t hover and hesitate. Your child needs to learn that it is OK to say goodbye and that when you say it you mean it. Long and drawn- out goodbyes are more difficult on the child.

*Give your child a special transitional object to hold while you are away, such as a blanket or stuffed animal. This will make them feel more secure and will remind them of you.

Pre-school and Elementary School Children-

*Continue with the above information

*Unless there are medical reasons why your child cannot attend school, he or she should go! Allowing the child to stay home may enable him or her not deal with his or her anxiety. Talk with your child’s teacher or principal and devise a plan to help your child deal with his or her anxiety.

*Give your child a more age-appropriate transitional object (a picture of your family, a special note from you, a pocket sized rock or trinket that you can kiss before he or she leaves and which can be held by the child when they feel anxious).

* Develop a “bravery chart”. Every time you child attends school or other activity that causes anxiety he or she can earn a small treat or a special privilege. Never take away points! This is only to motivate and reward the child for positive behavior. Phase out the rewards once the child sees he is capable handling his fears. Explain rewards are only given in the beginning to help him/her get used to this new transition.

*Predict their success through a story. This allows the child to visualize himself handling his anxious feelings well. This tool is used by top athletes to visualize success in their sports. Tell your child a story about a successful day pretending you are him or her. Make sure the story includes what they are fearful of and make up a scenario with them handling it well. (“My name is Sarah and today I got up and had breakfast. I had oatmeal and it was yummy. I then put on my zebra leotard and my mom took me to gymnastics. I felt afraid at first but them I saw my coach Miss Carrie. She gave me a high five and then I felt better. I jumped on the trampoline and I had lots of fun! My scared feelings went way!”)

*Find an “anchor child” in your child’s class. This is another child that your child either has expressed that they like or maybe you think they would like them. Invite that child and his parent over for a play date or meet at the park to play. This allows your child to develop a deeper relationship with this child outside of class. Next time you go to class you can say “Hey look Johnny is here!” Your child will immediately feel more comfortable once they see they are not alone.

* Provide soothing activities at home such as drawing, painting, clay, water play etc.

These activities can relax your child and help reduce his or her anxiety at later times.

*Encourage the child to “play” out his or her worries with dolls, puppets, or action figures. Play "school" with your child. They can pretend to be the teacher or coach. Psychotherapists have used play therapy for years to help children work through their feelings. Play is a like a mini-world to children where they can process their emotions about the real world.

*Read stories about separation. (The Kissing Hand by, Audrey Penn; Franklin Goes to School by, Paulette Bourgeois) Reading books about separation normalizes the problem to the child and can build their confidence.

* If your child complains of physical problems such a stomach aches, headaches etc., discuss this with your pediatrician or school nurse. Your child may not really be sick, rather physically reacting to their internal anxiety. If your doctor decides he/she is not sick try externalizing the feelings by saying “Your tummy is trying to trick you by feeling sick…when your tummy does that tell him to be quiet and leave you alone!” Make sure your child eats a healthy breakfast and discuss with your pediatrician whether a mild antacid would help before school.

* Mom and Dad take a deep breath! This is such a hard thing to see your child go through! Hang in there and stay consistent with your plan. Typically this problem gets better with time. Remember it is actually a good thing for your child to learn that he/she can get through this. Anxieties regarding separation or new transitions are a part of life. Conquering this will equip them for later challenges in life.    ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2011