Hey Dads...You Really Matter!

                   For as long as I can remember, I could always hear my dad’s voice in my head saying“Go for it. You can DO this!” Whether it was jumping from one rock to another as a child, building dollhouse furniture with his tools, or taking risks in my career as a woman, my dad’s belief in me always made me feel more confident. My mom impacted my self-esteem too, but in different ways. While mom analyzed all my feelings with me and held me while I cried (even as an adult), dad’s words of encouragement helped me get up and get it done. He helped me develop my moxie!

When we think of important people in a child’s life we often focus on the mother. A mother’s role and connection with her children is undeniably important and special. However, dads are important to their children too! Whether it’s a biological father, a step-dad, or another father figure like a grandpa or an uncle, involved father figures impact children’s development in great ways.

Their first important impact is indirect. A father that invests in his marriage and respects his wife, positively impacts his child. Happy couples that feel affirmed by eachother have less stress in their parenting. A husband in a good marriage also tends to be more involved in his children’s lives. This positive marriage also becomes a great model to the children for healthy relationships.

Children with involved fathers also tend to have better outcomes in their education. Studies show they have higher IQs, better linguistic and cognitive capacities, and can handle the stress of school more easily. (K. Pruett, Father –Need, 2000). It was also found that fathers who read to their children impact the child’s expressiveness by age 15 months and the use of advanced language by the age three. (Drevitch, Psychology Today, 20014). 

Dads impact the emotional well being of their child too. Kids with father figures tend to have higher self-esteem. Their ability to develop positive friendships and romantic relationship increases.  In a meta-analysis of 24 studies of parental involvement, Swedish researchers have found that kids whose fathers help care for them and play with them tend to have less behavioral problems and have a lower risk for becoming delinquents as adolescents(Drevitch, Psychology Today, 20014).

Lastly, loving fathers or father figures help children better understand the love of their heavenly Father. A man that spiritually leads his family in prayer, bible studies and worship passes on a spiritual heritage that has great value. His family will be greatly blessed.

Genesis 18:19 - "For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."(NIV)

So thanks to the dads, stepdads, grandpas, uncles etc. who greatly impact the lives of the children around them. Probably more than they will ever know! We love you and Happy Fathers Day! (Wilkins 2014).

Summer Bucket List

Summer is here! Barbeque's, vacations, beach days, long walks at night, and movies in the park. It is a fun time for the whole family! Summer can also be relaxing and a time to reconnect with each other. Our schedules are not as hectic during the summer. The mad dash to complete homework at night or to wake up for school is lifted for at least a short time. Sociologist William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, emphasized the importance of rituals of connection in families. Doherty says, “Families have lost control of their time and are missing out on family rituals such as regular dinners, weekend outings, visits with grandparents, and family vacations” Families that are intentional on how they spend their summer can have deeper more meaningful experiences.

So why not step back and actually make a plan for your summer? Develop a “mission statement” for your family. Define what you really want to accomplish or experience so you have some direction for your summer vacation.

Keep it balanced

When deciding what you want to do this summer, I recommend that you keep it balanced. If there are no plans kids can get bored. This can lead to a depressed mood or an increase in sibling rivalry. However, don’t over-schedule your summer either! Consider quiet, relaxing goals that also allow for refreshment and reconnection. This kind of time is good for kids and for adults too! Maybe you also want to achieve some educational or spiritual enrichment. It will be different for every family.

Develop Your Summer B.U.C.K.E.T List:

B- Biblical or Spiritual Growth- Consider using this vacation time to grow spiritually as a family. You might start a family Bible study, find an OTS- Opportunity To Serve in your church or community, send your kids to a church day camp or overnight camp.

U-Unwind- Kids and parents are very busy during the school year. Use the summer to unwind and refresh yourselves. Some ideas might be to take long walks, sit by a fire and talk, relax at a pool or beach, make some days a “no plan” day, sleep in.

C- Connect- Summer is a great time to reconnect as a family and focuson relationships. Some ideas are to get a baby sitter and plan a date night with your spouse, have a “no technology” night, read a portion of a chapter book with your child each day, start a friendship journal with your child and write each other notes back and forth, enrich relationships with extended family or neighbors (have them over for a BBQ).

K-Keep Up with Academics- We want our kids to relax and have fun over summer, but we also want them to continue to learn. Summer is a great time to brush up on an area your child is struggling with or to have fun with some interesting educational activities. Some ideas are to sign up for a writing camp, hire a tutor, start a reading plan at home (let your child earn points and rewards), get a journal and practice writing about adventures over the summer, make books over the summer, play educational games, visit your community library, and take day trips to museums, zoos or other educational environments.

E- Exercise- Keep kids active! Exercise is closely linked to our mood. Not only do we have an epidemic of childhood obesity but we also have a rise in childhood depression in our country. Keeping kids active is imperative to their physical and emotional health. Some ideas are to sign your child up for a sport, take walks at night as a family, go swimming at the beach or pool, and encourage kids to play outside!

T- Try New and Fun Experiences! Don’t forget to plan some fun activities or vacations. These are those summer memories you will cherish for years to come. Some ideas are to start a family game night, attend activities put on by your community, plan a fun vacation, have a party or barbecue.

Once you set your goals and make your plan, assess a week at a time. Did we incorporate our B.U.C.K.E.T list this week? If you don’t achieve your goals every week, don’t sweat it! Your plan does not need to be rigid, but rather a way to give you direction.

©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013

Ten Things a Wife Should Regularly Tell Her Husband

1. I am so thankful for how hard you work and the way you provide for our family.

2.   I feel secure with you. You keep our family safe and protected.

3.   You are so important to the kids. I love the way you nurture and guide them. They really need you.

4.   I want you all to myself sometimes!

5.   How do you do that? I’m impressed at how well you……..

6.   I appreciate that you listen to me and try to understand me when I’m emotional, even if I don’t make sense.

7.   You are still so much fun to be with!

8.   I could not do all this without you by my side.

9.   I love seeing what God is doing in your life. You are a Godly man.

10. I am so attracted to you…lets go to bed!

Why a Marriage and Family Therapist Wants You to Exercise More!

My clients are always a bit surprised when the first homework assignment I give them is to increase their exercise. Whether they are depressed, anxious, angry or just stressed out, one of my first questions is “How often do you exercise?”

Why do I care? Physical activity is closely linked to our emotional well-being. Numerous studies report that exercise affects and improves our mood. We are happier, calmer and less stressed if we are moving on a regular basis. According to the article “Exercise and Depression”, we release a chemical called endorphins when we exercise. Endorphins act as analgesics, which mean they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. Thus endorphins trigger both positive and calming feelings in the body(WebMD, 2011).

According to an article called “Depression and Anxiety: Exercise Eases Symptoms” written by the Mayo Clinic Staff, exercise will also reduce the immune system chemicals that can worsen depression. Activity also increases our body temperature which can have a calming effect(Mayo Clinic, 2011).

Exercise also impacts your interpersonal relationships. Improved self esteem, mood and reduced stress allow us to function and problem solve better in our relationships. Not to mention, exercise also helps your sex life! A Harvard University study of 160 male and female swimmers in their 40s and 60s showed a positive relationship between regular physical activity and the frequency and enjoyment of sexual intercourse. Results stated swimmers in their 60s reported sex lives comparable to people in the general population in their 40s (Krucoff & Krucoff, 2000). Bortz & Wallace (1999) also found a high level of sexual activity and satisfaction to be correlated with degree of fitness in both older men and women.

So if you are thinking about adding exercise to your life, go for it! Not only will your body have great results, but your emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships will benefit as well. ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2014 

World Suicide Prevention Day 2013

Hey everyone....today is World Suicide Prevention Day. We can all make a difference in Suicide Prevention. Take time to listen to those around you. Reach Out. If you know someone who is depressed or is struggling with suicidal thoughts please don't hesitate to refer them to us at www.wilkinsfamilycounseling.com  You can also give them this suicide hotline # 1-800-273-8255. If you believe they are in imminent danger, take them to your nearest emergency room or call 911. If you yourself are struggling with suicidal thoughts, remember " Suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem!" Get Help. Your life and you matter!

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

A Resource Guide for Separation Anxiety

What is Separation Anxiety?

Most children experience a degree of separation anxiety at some time. The typical developmental stage for separation anxiety is between the ages of 6 months and 24 months. Normal symptoms at this age include crying, clinging, or tantrums when separated from their primary caregiver. Older children in pre-school or elementary school, may also experience anxiety when leaving their parents. Common symptoms in older children may also include crying, clinging and even refusing to go to school or other activities they once had no trouble attending.

What Can a Parent Do?

Infants and Toddlers-

*Take a deep breath and reduce your own anxiety about separation when in front of your child. Children can feed off their parent’s anxiety.

*Arrange times for your child to consistently spend some time with another loving adult. (a neighbor, a friend, or maybe a church nursery) They will then get familiar with spending time with others.

*Never leave the child without saying “good-bye” and that you will come back. It may be tempting to sneak away but this sends a message to your child that they cannot depend on you to tell them when you are leaving. This could actually increase their anxiety if they learn they won’t know when you might leave.

*Once you have said “goodbye” leave quickly. Don’t hover and hesitate. Your child needs to learn that it is OK to say goodbye and that when you say it you mean it. Long and drawn- out goodbyes are more difficult on the child.

*Give your child a special transitional object to hold while you are away, such as a blanket or stuffed animal. This will make them feel more secure and will remind them of you.

Pre-school and Elementary School Children-

*Continue with the above information

*Unless there are medical reasons why your child cannot attend school, he or she should go! Allowing the child to stay home may enable him or her not deal with his or her anxiety. Talk with your child’s teacher or principal and devise a plan to help your child deal with his or her anxiety.

*Give your child a more age-appropriate transitional object (a picture of your family, a special note from you, a pocket sized rock or trinket that you can kiss before he or she leaves and which can be held by the child when they feel anxious).

* Develop a “bravery chart”. Every time you child attends school or other activity that causes anxiety he or she can earn a small treat or a special privilege. Never take away points! This is only to motivate and reward the child for positive behavior. Phase out the rewards once the child sees he is capable handling his fears. Explain rewards are only given in the beginning to help him/her get used to this new transition.

*Predict their success through a story. This allows the child to visualize himself handling his anxious feelings well. This tool is used by top athletes to visualize success in their sports. Tell your child a story about a successful day pretending you are him or her. Make sure the story includes what they are fearful of and make up a scenario with them handling it well. (“My name is Sarah and today I got up and had breakfast. I had oatmeal and it was yummy. I then put on my zebra leotard and my mom took me to gymnastics. I felt afraid at first but them I saw my coach Miss Carrie. She gave me a high five and then I felt better. I jumped on the trampoline and I had lots of fun! My scared feelings went way!”)

*Find an “anchor child” in your child’s class. This is another child that your child either has expressed that they like or maybe you think they would like them. Invite that child and his parent over for a play date or meet at the park to play. This allows your child to develop a deeper relationship with this child outside of class. Next time you go to class you can say “Hey look Johnny is here!” Your child will immediately feel more comfortable once they see they are not alone.

* Provide soothing activities at home such as drawing, painting, clay, water play etc.

These activities can relax your child and help reduce his or her anxiety at later times.

*Encourage the child to “play” out his or her worries with dolls, puppets, or action figures. Play "school" with your child. They can pretend to be the teacher or coach. Psychotherapists have used play therapy for years to help children work through their feelings. Play is a like a mini-world to children where they can process their emotions about the real world.

*Read stories about separation. (The Kissing Hand by, Audrey Penn; Franklin Goes to School by, Paulette Bourgeois) Reading books about separation normalizes the problem to the child and can build their confidence.

* If your child complains of physical problems such a stomach aches, headaches etc., discuss this with your pediatrician or school nurse. Your child may not really be sick, rather physically reacting to their internal anxiety. If your doctor decides he/she is not sick try externalizing the feelings by saying “Your tummy is trying to trick you by feeling sick…when your tummy does that tell him to be quiet and leave you alone!” Make sure your child eats a healthy breakfast and discuss with your pediatrician whether a mild antacid would help before school.

* Mom and Dad take a deep breath! This is such a hard thing to see your child go through! Hang in there and stay consistent with your plan. Typically this problem gets better with time. Remember it is actually a good thing for your child to learn that he/she can get through this. Anxieties regarding separation or new transitions are a part of life. Conquering this will equip them for later challenges in life.    ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013

Summer Bucket List

Summer is here! Barbeque's, vacations, beach days, long walks at night, and movies in the park. It is a fun time for the whole family! Summer can also be relaxing and a time to reconnect with each other. Our schedules are not as hectic during the summer. The mad dash to complete homework at night or to wake up for school is lifted for at least a short time. Sociologist William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, emphasized the importance of rituals of connection in families. Doherty says, “Families have lost control of their time and are missing out on family rituals such as regular dinners, weekend outings, visits with grandparents, and family vacations” Families that are intentional on how they spend their summer can have deeper more meaningful experiences.

So why not step back and actually make a plan for your summer? Develop a “mission statement” for your family. Define what you really want to accomplish or experience so you have some direction for your summer vacation.

Keep it balanced

When deciding what you want to do this summer, I recommend that you keep it balanced. If there are no plans kids can get bored. This can lead to a depressed mood or an increase in sibling rivalry. However, don’t over-schedule your summer either! Consider quiet, relaxing goals that also allow for refreshment and reconnection. This kind of time is good for kids and for adults too! Maybe you also want to achieve some educational or spiritual enrichment. It will be different for every family.

Develop Your Summer B.U.C.K.E.T List:

B- Biblical or Spiritual Growth- Consider using this vacation time to grow spiritually as a family. You might start a family Bible study, find an OTS- Opportunity To Serve in your church or community, send your kids to a church day camp or overnight camp.

U-Unwind- Kids and parents are very busy during the school year. Use the summer to unwind and refresh yourselves. Some ideas might be to take long walks, sit by a fire and talk, relax at a pool or beach, make some days a “no plan” day, sleep in.

C- Connect- Summer is a great time to reconnect as a family and focuson relationships. Some ideas are to get a baby sitter and plan a date night with your spouse, have a “no technology” night, read a portion of a chapter book with your child each day, start a friendship journal with your child and write each other notes back and forth, enrich relationships with extended family or neighbors (have them over for a BBQ).

K-Keep Up with Academics- We want our kids to relax and have fun over summer, but we also want them to continue to learn. Summer is a great time to brush up on an area your child is struggling with or to have fun with some interesting educational activities. Some ideas are to sign up for a writing camp, hire a tutor, start a reading plan at home (let your child earn points and rewards), get a journal and practice writing about adventures over the summer, make books over the summer, play educational games, visit your community library, and take day trips to museums, zoos or other educational environments.

E- Exercise- Keep kids active! Exercise is closely linked to our mood. Not only do we have an epidemic of childhood obesity but we also have a rise in childhood depression in our country. Keeping kids active is imperative to their physical and emotional health. Some ideas are to sign your child up for a sport, take walks at night as a family, go swimming at the beach or pool, and encourage kids to play outside!

T- Try New and Fun Experiences! Don’t forget to plan some fun activities or vacations. These are those summer memories you will cherish for years to come. Some ideas are to start a family game night, attend activities put on by your community, plan a fun vacation, have a party or barbecue.

Once you set your goals and make your plan, assess a week at a time. Did we incorporate our B.U.C.K.E.T list this week? If you don’t achieve your goals every week, don’t sweat it! Your plan does not need to be rigid, but rather a way to give you direction.

©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013