Mothers and Preteen/Teen Daughters: Reminders for Good Communication

 

Mothers and daughters certainly have one of the most complex relationships. On one hand, this relationship can be close, deep and satisfying. Mothers and daughters are known to share their hearts and dreams on a very deep level. On the other hand, this relationship can also be incredibly challenging and stressful. Moms and daughters can get caught in battles that become harmful and even toxic. Like any relationship it may also go through seasons. There are times when a mother and daughter are very close and times when they are disconnected. It is a relationship that takes patience, communication and work. Ultimately mothers and daughters want the same things. They both want to feel loved and respected. When these are mutually expressed it is an investment that can take the mother daughter relationship to amazing depths. This handout has been designed as a spring board.  It can serve as a beginning for a mom and daughter who are trying to improve their relationship.  It provides reminders for both mother and daughter and some ideas of how to re-establish good connections.

Reminders for Mothers

•          If your relationship with your daughter is difficult you need to commit to working it out! You are the adult. It is your responsibility to make sure this happens. If you give up on your daughter what is that teaching her? That relationships aren’t worth the effort? Our culture gives us numerous messages that a relationship should make us happy and if it doesn’t……….leave. This attitude fuels our divorce rate. Teach your daughter that relationships are about commitment and loyalty. That we work hard to make our relationships thrive. This might mean you have to do some homework. You may need to get advice from friends and family, you may need to read some parenting books, or you may need to meet with a pastor or professional counselor to help guide you.

•          Do not get caught in a catty battle with your daughter. Again, you are the adult. If you argue with her like a sister and then expect respect from her you will find this is difficult to achieve. You are the model during these years. Show her how to express frustration and anger. You want your home to be a refuge for your family members.  Your daughter will not always be happy about the limitations you set. Decide ahead of time how she can express anger and frustration.  Clearly define what is acceptable and what is disrespectful. Choose your battles wisely here. For example you may be ok with your daughter saying she dislikes a rule or limit or maybe even sighing or groaning . However you may decide to set a limit with eye-rolling or yelling out “That’s lame!” This will be different from home to home. Just remember, your daughter needs a way to express her difficult feelings.

•          Understand the developmental tasks of the pre-teen and teen years. Developmentally this is the stage when girls are trying to feel autonomous. They are trying to feel like they can be independent and try things on their own but they still need moms support. This is similar to the toddler years. Remember when you took your daughter to the park as a toddler? She would run out and explore the playground on her own but then run back to you to make sure you were there and watching her. This is what your pre-teen and teen are doing too. They are venturing out into the world and trying to handle things on their own one minute (God forbid if you try to help) and needing you and your support the next minute. This feels very confusing to moms. If feels like your daughter wants you to be involved in her life one day and the next day she is completely pushing you out. Ouch! That hurts. Be patient mom. Your daughter is experimenting with autonomy. She will vacillate between needing you and trying to handle things on her own. This is one part of her developmental tasks and it is also instinctual. You want her to go through this so she will be ready to launch from you in the college years. Find ways to help her explore and try out independence while being there for her when it feels too scary Tell her if she hurts your feelings. Teach her how to tell you in a respectful way when she wants space.

•         Take time to listen! Pre-teen and teen girls are going through a lot of changes and they need a sounding board. Girls tend to like to process their feeling by talking it through.  Consider renaming a chair or loveseat in your home as the “listening chair”. Make a rule that you can only listen while sitting in this chair or loveseat. Your daughter can then take you there when she needs JUST a listener. Often times as mothers we try to come up with solutions too quickly and this shuts down our daughters and they stop sharing with us. In the “listening chair” you cannot say anything …just listen. Listen to her heart! This allows your daughter the freedom to talk and process information as she talks. She may just figure out some good solutions on her own.  Be careful, if she opens up and then you use this information against her she may hesitate to open up again. Of course if some things are said that need to be eventually addressed you can do that at a later time. ……….but while in the “listening chair” bite your lip mom!

•         Encourage honesty! All daughters will make mistakes. We know that will happen. It is when our daughters feel they can’t talk to us or lie to us that things can get dangerous. Be approachable. If your daughter is brave enough to tell you she did something wrong don’t freak out.!  Let her know how proud you are that she came to you . Really ham it up if you need to! This helps build her conscious if she knows you believe in her. You should still have a consequence for what she did wrong, but have an agreement that she will ALWAYS get in less trouble if she is honest with you.

•         Don’t be critical! In your desire to care about your daughter you can send negative messages that are hard on her self esteem. Don’t forget the self-fulfilling prophecy. If someone hears over and over that they can’t do anything right they will begin to think of themselves as a failure. In her book “You’re Wearing That?” Deborah Tannen discusses how mothers often have a meta-message behind their messages that can be very critical. Careful of this! It will ultimately push your daughter away. God directly tells us not to exasperate our children. In Ephesians 6:4.

•         Build up your daughter! The world will tell your daughter she is not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough etc, etc. Tell her regularly how special she is.  Model God’s unconditional love and help see her many talents and gifts.

Reminders for Daughters

•         Your mom wants to give you the world!  She wants you to enjoy life and have lots of fun, exciting experiences! Really! I am serious about this!  I know, you may feel like she says “NO” to everything……………..well there is a reason for that! She is scared! I mean REALLY scared. Believe me in this world today moms and dads are freaked about all the scary things that can happen to their precious princess!  Ok, I know I sound a bit corny but it is true. This is THE most important thing you need to remember in your preteen and teen years. You job is to learn how to help mom feel safe so that you can get to experience lots of fun and cool things, Show her you are ready for things and that she can trust you! How?? ………….keep reading girl!

•         First,  remember that you need to show mom that she can trust you! When she has rules ……………ummmm, hello? Follow them!!! Every time you lie or break a rule you have just proved to her that you are not ready for certain privileges. You also break trust!!  Trust is like a brick wall. It takes time to build it. If you lie or break a rule it is not like taking off the top brick but the bottom brick and the whole wall comes tumbling down again.  So follow her rules and don’t lie!! This builds trust and believe me it is the easiest equation out there TRUST = MORE PRIVILEGES!

•         There is another way that will show mom you are ready for bigger and better privileges! How you handle the word NO.  Guess what ? If you pout, roll your eyes, slam doors, say “This is so lame!” or “This is so unfair!”……….you have just shown mom that she was indeed right…………you are not ready for this privilege. Instead calmly ask mom why the answer is no. Listen and really show her you are trying to understand her point of view. Explain why you think you can handle it and assure her that you will do your best to stay safe. She may still say no (you may just not be old enough yet). You can let her know you are bummed when she says “no”, but don’t have a fit! This maturity will not be forgotten and mom may just consider letting you have that privilege sooner than she originally planned to!  This method really works! So again, learn to handle “NO” with maturity!

•         Show you are listening!!  This is your golden ticket! If your mom lectures you forever, it is probably because you are not showing her you are listening! The more you look away, pick at your nails, act completely bored, roll your eyes, the lecture will just get longer and longer!! Mom feels like she has to say what she wants to say a million times because you are not showing her you get it. As hard as it is, because you may be angry, nod your head, make eye contact, even repeat back in your own words what you hear her saying. I am not telling you this just so you can fake your way out of a lecture. I want you to genuinely listen! If you do, mom can calm down and be more succinct (which means a shorter lecture) because she can tell you are listening. However, sometimes what she has to say is a really big deal! Thus, she may have A LOT to say!!  Can’t help you there. You just need to pay attention and show her you care and that you are listening!

•         Show appreciation for dear mom. Come on we all know how much mom does for us. The one thing that really makes mom boil is when she does not feel appreciated. Tell her you notice how nice the house looks or that you liked the lunch she made for her. Thank her when she goes out of her way for you. (pssst…don’t just do this when you want something………moms are too smart for that and it will just make her mad!) Genuine appreciation goes a long way with mothers!

•         Treat mom with respect. Mom’s have feelings too. If you are angry at her just talk to her about it! Define with mom acceptable ways to show you disagree or you are angry or frustrated. Don’t use passive aggressive ways of expressing anger such as rolling eyes, muttering mean things under your breath, mocking her etc. If you aren’t sure what is disrespectful talk to mom about it….she’ll let you know! 

•         Communicate, communicate, communicate……………..talk to mom and let her know your heart. It’s scary to let mom in sometimes because you might be afraid she’ll freak out if she knows too much! She will actually be calmer if she feels like she really knows what you are thinking. Help her see you are trying to make good decisions. Don’t forget she loves you and a close relationship with your mother is one of the best treasures you will ever have. Work WITH her and I promise you won’t regret it . 

Good Luck moms and daughters. I wish you the best in your relationship. If you ever feel the need to have a mediator to help you get through some tough issues please call me at (951)231-1667 #2 or email me at elaine@thevinecounseling.com.  It would be my privilege to help you though this difficult time!  

 ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2011 

Facebook and Marriage: Can They Co-exist?

I think it is important to remember what facebook really is. Facebook is a tool. Like many tools it can be positive if it is used safely. You are the user of this tool. Thus, you will need to define what you are using it for and what boundaries you will need to set to use it safely. A married person will need to define how to use facebook in a way that respects and protects their marriage.  

Different people will use internet social sites in different ways. For example, a stay-at-home may want to use facebook as an outlet. Staying home with young children can be isolating and interacting with friends on facebook can be a positive arena for a parent who does not regularly get to interact with other adults. Others might use facebook to stay connected with out- of -state family. I bet a lot of grandmas out there love that they can instantly get pictures of their adorable grandkids! I personally know two people from my junior high school that reconnected on facebook and are now a happily married couple. Talk about a fairy-tale facebook story! Some use facebook to market their business or advance their lives professionally. There are countless ways facebook and other cyber social websites can be used for good. Let’s celebrate the great things that can come from these sites.

However, there are potential dangers that can arise if these cyber tools are not used carefully. Marriages are challenged and tempted more than ever due to the rise of the use of online outlets. Many couples argue over how to use facebook and affairs can begin from a connection or re-connection on the internet. As people reconnect with old friends or past flames from high school or college old feelings can resurface and egos can be fed.

 An emotional affair is defined by Gary Nueman, licensed psychotherapist and author of The Truth About Cheating as, “an overly intimate friendship characterized by inappropriate flirting, romantic overtures and deep emotional connectedness (Nueman 2010).”  The internet is a perfect place for an emotional affair to develop. The computer provides convenience, anonymity and an escape from the pressures of daily life. People present their best “selves” online and that can seem very attractive. We also tend to open up more online than we do in person. Aaron Ben-Ze’ev, author of, Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, reports that people tend to remove their emotional masks on the internet and this frees people from the limitations of their physical bodies and current circumstances (Ben-Ze’ev 2004).  Dr. Patricia Patton, clinical psychologist, agrees saying that the internet provides a venue for the formation of friendships that can evolve into emotional affairs (Patton 2009). Dr. Shirley Glass, clinical psychologist and researcher of infidelity for over 25 years, claims that  the effects of emotional affairs can be just as psychologically devastating to marriage as a sexual affairs and sometimes even more so, due to the loss of exclusivity in emotional intimacy. It is also not uncommon for the emotional affair to eventually develop into a full-fledged sexual infidelity(Glass 2010). I myself have been in practice for over 18 years and I have seen a huge increase in the amount of couples suffering from the devastating affects of affairs that were cultivated first as an emotional affair on facebook.

 Therefore, married couples BEWARE! You must protect your marriages online. Denial is your worst vulnerability. This doesn’t mean you cannot use facebook.  Just like there are different ways to use facebook, there are different boundaries needed for different users. A teenager should have very different limitations on facebook than an adult should have. A business person will need to use their account in a professional manner. A married person must have different boundaries than a single person will when using their facebook.

Here are some of the boundaries I would recommend that married couples consider and discuss together:

  1. Define together how you plan to use facebook or other social websites. Just like many arenas of a marriage you will need to compromise. Some couples use it facebook to reconnect with old friends but make the decision never to “friend” ex-boyfriends or girl friends. Other couples decide it is ok to “friend” an “ex” but set the limit that communication with that person will only be out in the open on their “wall” and never in a private chat or message box. A couple may decide to share a facebook page together so that all their facebook use is out in the open. Some choose to have their own facebook site and share their passwords with one another. One of my male clients said, “I have nothing to hide from my wife so I am not threatened by her having my password to facebook. Heck, I want her to check it now and then! That keeps me from being inappropriate in any way because in the back of my mind I write only things that I know she would be OK with.”  This husband actually feels safer reconnecting with old friends knowing his wife may check his usage at any time. Boundaries keep us safe from temptations! Another couple may decide to keep their pages completely separate and private from one another. Again, this all depends on the comfort of the couple. However, remember that your marriage is more vulnerable to emotional affairs if your online use is kept secret from your spouse. If you are going to keep it private consider always asking yourself if your spouse would approve or feel comfortable with your interactions and behavior online. Talk about it as a couple and decide together what makes you both feel safe. You can always go back and re-define how you want to set it up if a problem arises.

  2. Identify yourself as married in your relationship status. Would you go to a party without wearing your wedding ring? A wedding ring is an outward symbol of your covenant to your spouse. It acts a reminder to you and others that you are “spoken for”. Make it obvious on your profile that you are married and committed to your marriage. Maybe post a picture of you as a couple now and then. Talk about your spouse on facebook. You don’t have to tattoo it across your forehead, but as a married person you should present your self as exactly that… a married person.

 3. Surround yourself with other couples that are married and serious about monogamy. This includes your facebook friends! Now, I am not saying all your facebook friends have to be married but try to be friends with some other couples that are also trying to take their marriage vows seriously. That way you can support one another. We tend to work harder at something if we are surrounded by others with similar goals. You can definitely have friends that are single or divorced too, but consider de-friending anyone if they disrespect your desire to honor your marriage vows.

 4. Discuss how you want to handle communication with members of the opposite sex. Many married people decide with their spouse to only communicate with the opposite sex out in the open, such as on the “wall” of facebook. It is not usually a good idea for a married person to have a private conversation with someone of the opposite sex on any social, cyber websites. Again, we are more open online and say things we would not necessarily say in person. Private conversations can lead to connections and connections can be the beginning of an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can lead to physical affairs. If you as a couple choose it is ok to have conversations with someone of the opposite sex in the private message box or instant chat you may want to still tell your spouse about the conversation so they are aware it took place and generally what was said. If one of your face book friends talk in an inappropriate way to you find a polite way to exit the conversation. If this person continues to cross the line or disrespect your marriage consider “de-friending” them.

  5. Discuss as a couple how you want to handle flirtations or come-on’s on facebook. Think about what you would like your spouse to say if someone flirted with them. Would you feel respected as a husband or wife by their response? Use that as your guideline of how you should respond to a flirtation or come-on.  Consider setting a boundary that you tell each other if someone flirts or makes a pass at you. Decide together how to handle it. Again, define this as a couple.

  6. Consider letting your spouse know who you are “friending” on your account. Share who the person is and how and where you met them. Again, make sure your spouse is comfortable with you being friends with this person. If they are not, explore why it is bothering them. Trust the instincts of your spouse. There are times a husband or wife may get a sense that this person is not respecting your marriage. There may be times your spouse feels someone is a threat and you do not agree with their perception. It is important to ask yourself this question.” Who is really more important? This friend from my past or my spouse?”  Hopefully it is your spouse and their comfort is more valuable to you than reconnecting with some old buddy from high school. You should care more if you offend your spouse than if you offend someone from your past. Of course if you feel your spouse has a serious problem with jealously this is a separate issue that the two of you may need professional help to deal with. It is never healthy to be in a relationship where controlling behavior or extreme jealousy is present.

  7. If you find yourself feeling drawn to or attracted to someone on facebook you may need to avoid communication or “defriend” them all together. Signs of this may be that you spending a great deal of time talking to them (more than with your own spouse), obsessing over their pictures, daydreaming about them at other times or about being with them. We are human beings and sometimes feel attracted or a connection to other people. Our hearts are capable of connecting to other people but that does not necessarily mean we should be with that person. Marriage is a commitment. When you marry you are making a covenant with that person and with God that you will forsake all past AND present loves. Attraction to another person, or even falling in love with another person, does not mean you are “meant” to be with them. Keep track of your emotions and take the necessary steps to protect your marriage.

  8. If you find you are trying to keep your actions on facebook a secret from your spouse that is a sign there is a problem. If you find you want to erase your comments or communications on facebook it is a red flag that you are not respecting your own marriage. It is better not to erase your mistakes and talk to your spouse about why you realize the comment was inappropriate and the actions you will take not to make this mistake again.

  9. Monitor your time on facebook. Ok we all admit it, facebook is ADDICTING. If you are spending enormous amounts of time on facebook or if you are spending more time with your facebook friends than your marriage or children this too is a problem. Disconnection from your spouse is one of the leading problems of marital breakdown. Again, ask yourself if it more important to invest in relationships on facebook or the relationships in your own home?

 10. Please do not use facebook as a place to vent your marital problems. This is disrespectful to your spouse and awkward for everyone! When others know more about your marriage than your own spouse this is a red flag for disconnection. It also makes your marriage more vulnerable to infidelity. Think about it, if you post your pain and struggles with your significant other on facebook you create an opening for someone to connect with you. Someone who does not respect your relationship might attempt to support you and just like that you have made an emotional connection with that person. This sets up a dangerous scenario where an emotional affair could begin. Share your marital pain in private only with those who you know will respect your marriage and encourage you to handle it in a positive way. Consider seeking professional help if needed.

11. Flirt like crazy on facebook………..with your own spouse! Have fun as a couple on facebook. I have a personal friend who compliments and flirts with his wife regularly on facebook. Yeah he gets some flack for it but he’s keeping his marriage fun. Never get practical with romance in your marriage and find creative ways to use this tool called facebook, not to harm your marriage, but rather to enhance your marriage!  

If in any way you are struggling as a couple to set healthy boundaries online, you are struggling to stay connected or you have suffered from infidelity you may benefit from seeking professional help. Please feel free to contact me at (951) 231-1667 #2. To read more about me or read endorsements from those who have had confidence in referring to me go to www.thevinecounseling.com. ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2011