Holidays and Stress:
Making the Most of Your Family Celebrations

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Or, is it?

We all look forward to creating lasting and enjoyable family memories. We may even envision a “picture perfect” holiday that resembles a Norman Rockwell painting or even a picture on Pinterest. However, it is inevitable that some parts of the holidays don’t exactly leave us feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Although joyful, this can actually be a very overwhelming time of the year. Our schedules are full and demanding, our finances stretched, we get less sleep, our diets are compromised, and our relationship problems rise to the surface. Combine these ingredients and you have a recipe for stress and sometimes clinical depression.

How can a family cope with this stressful time?

•  Take some time to think about what you really want to achieve this holiday. Ignore the cultural messages of how your holiday should look . The house doesn’t have to look perfect, the meals don’t have to be gourmet and you don’t have to attend every “get-together”. Define what the holidays really mean to you. What do you want your children to learn or experience during the holidays?

• Be realistic! Do not over pack your schedule. Decide as a family the events and traditions that are most special and focus on enjoying them. Children especially are overwhelmed if they have to attend one event after another. Children from families of divorce may be asked to attend double the events. Remember that they may feel pulled in both directions at this time of the year. Be sensitive to this and think about their needs before your own.

• Take care of the physical needs of yourself and your family. You will enjoy your holiday more. There are goodies everywhere, so enjoy them in moderation and try to keep meals balanced with healthy foods. Your body needs fuel during this hectic time. Too much sugar, caffeine, and alcohol can actually exasperate stress. Try to get as much sleep as you can and don’t forget to exercise

• Stick to a Budget. Make your financial plan ahead of time and stick to it!! It is easy to overspend but in the long run it can be more damaging. Remember your kids will remember quality time and fun memories more than the amount of gifts you give. Think about what you remember as being special from your childhood. 

                                                                 

• Grin and bear it!! The relational dysfunctions of your family of origin (the family you grew up in), your in-laws, and your nuclear family (your spouse and kids) tend to become very noticeable during the holidays. Be aware of your feelings and if you notice a pattern that is unhealthy decide you will deal with it after the holidays. For now, accept these imperfections in yourself and others and enjoy the holiday together. Be thankful for the family you have!

• Transitioning Back to School. Remember that after the holidays children may have a hard time transitioning back to their regular school schedule. This is normal and you may experience crying, clinging, refusal to go to school, acting out behavior etc.. Stay consistent and firm. Remember “this too shall pass!”

•  Seek professional help. If your stress seems worse than usual and you are experiencing feelings of guilt or hopelessness, fatigue, lack of interest in normal activities, or even suicidal thoughts, you may be clinically depressed. It is not unusual for clinical depression to be triggered by this time of the year. Seek professional help if you are experiencing these symptoms.

•  Remember Christ! Jesus is definitely the “reason for the season”! Find ways to keep Him the focus of your holidays. 

I would like to wish you and your family a wonderful holiday. I hope you are richly blessed with wonderful experiences and that you create lasting memories during this time of the year. If you are experiencing any difficulties and need counseling, I would consider it my privilege to help you now or any time of the year. ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2014 

Hey Dads...You Really Matter!

                   For as long as I can remember, I could always hear my dad’s voice in my head saying“Go for it. You can DO this!” Whether it was jumping from one rock to another as a child, building dollhouse furniture with his tools, or taking risks in my career as a woman, my dad’s belief in me always made me feel more confident. My mom impacted my self-esteem too, but in different ways. While mom analyzed all my feelings with me and held me while I cried (even as an adult), dad’s words of encouragement helped me get up and get it done. He helped me develop my moxie!

When we think of important people in a child’s life we often focus on the mother. A mother’s role and connection with her children is undeniably important and special. However, dads are important to their children too! Whether it’s a biological father, a step-dad, or another father figure like a grandpa or an uncle, involved father figures impact children’s development in great ways.

Their first important impact is indirect. A father that invests in his marriage and respects his wife, positively impacts his child. Happy couples that feel affirmed by eachother have less stress in their parenting. A husband in a good marriage also tends to be more involved in his children’s lives. This positive marriage also becomes a great model to the children for healthy relationships.

Children with involved fathers also tend to have better outcomes in their education. Studies show they have higher IQs, better linguistic and cognitive capacities, and can handle the stress of school more easily. (K. Pruett, Father –Need, 2000). It was also found that fathers who read to their children impact the child’s expressiveness by age 15 months and the use of advanced language by the age three. (Drevitch, Psychology Today, 20014). 

Dads impact the emotional well being of their child too. Kids with father figures tend to have higher self-esteem. Their ability to develop positive friendships and romantic relationship increases.  In a meta-analysis of 24 studies of parental involvement, Swedish researchers have found that kids whose fathers help care for them and play with them tend to have less behavioral problems and have a lower risk for becoming delinquents as adolescents(Drevitch, Psychology Today, 20014).

Lastly, loving fathers or father figures help children better understand the love of their heavenly Father. A man that spiritually leads his family in prayer, bible studies and worship passes on a spiritual heritage that has great value. His family will be greatly blessed.

Genesis 18:19 - "For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."(NIV)

So thanks to the dads, stepdads, grandpas, uncles etc. who greatly impact the lives of the children around them. Probably more than they will ever know! We love you and Happy Fathers Day! (Wilkins 2014).

Summer Bucket List

Summer is here! Barbeque's, vacations, beach days, long walks at night, and movies in the park. It is a fun time for the whole family! Summer can also be relaxing and a time to reconnect with each other. Our schedules are not as hectic during the summer. The mad dash to complete homework at night or to wake up for school is lifted for at least a short time. Sociologist William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, emphasized the importance of rituals of connection in families. Doherty says, “Families have lost control of their time and are missing out on family rituals such as regular dinners, weekend outings, visits with grandparents, and family vacations” Families that are intentional on how they spend their summer can have deeper more meaningful experiences.

So why not step back and actually make a plan for your summer? Develop a “mission statement” for your family. Define what you really want to accomplish or experience so you have some direction for your summer vacation.

Keep it balanced

When deciding what you want to do this summer, I recommend that you keep it balanced. If there are no plans kids can get bored. This can lead to a depressed mood or an increase in sibling rivalry. However, don’t over-schedule your summer either! Consider quiet, relaxing goals that also allow for refreshment and reconnection. This kind of time is good for kids and for adults too! Maybe you also want to achieve some educational or spiritual enrichment. It will be different for every family.

Develop Your Summer B.U.C.K.E.T List:

B- Biblical or Spiritual Growth- Consider using this vacation time to grow spiritually as a family. You might start a family Bible study, find an OTS- Opportunity To Serve in your church or community, send your kids to a church day camp or overnight camp.

U-Unwind- Kids and parents are very busy during the school year. Use the summer to unwind and refresh yourselves. Some ideas might be to take long walks, sit by a fire and talk, relax at a pool or beach, make some days a “no plan” day, sleep in.

C- Connect- Summer is a great time to reconnect as a family and focuson relationships. Some ideas are to get a baby sitter and plan a date night with your spouse, have a “no technology” night, read a portion of a chapter book with your child each day, start a friendship journal with your child and write each other notes back and forth, enrich relationships with extended family or neighbors (have them over for a BBQ).

K-Keep Up with Academics- We want our kids to relax and have fun over summer, but we also want them to continue to learn. Summer is a great time to brush up on an area your child is struggling with or to have fun with some interesting educational activities. Some ideas are to sign up for a writing camp, hire a tutor, start a reading plan at home (let your child earn points and rewards), get a journal and practice writing about adventures over the summer, make books over the summer, play educational games, visit your community library, and take day trips to museums, zoos or other educational environments.

E- Exercise- Keep kids active! Exercise is closely linked to our mood. Not only do we have an epidemic of childhood obesity but we also have a rise in childhood depression in our country. Keeping kids active is imperative to their physical and emotional health. Some ideas are to sign your child up for a sport, take walks at night as a family, go swimming at the beach or pool, and encourage kids to play outside!

T- Try New and Fun Experiences! Don’t forget to plan some fun activities or vacations. These are those summer memories you will cherish for years to come. Some ideas are to start a family game night, attend activities put on by your community, plan a fun vacation, have a party or barbecue.

Once you set your goals and make your plan, assess a week at a time. Did we incorporate our B.U.C.K.E.T list this week? If you don’t achieve your goals every week, don’t sweat it! Your plan does not need to be rigid, but rather a way to give you direction.

©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013

Ten Things a Wife Should Regularly Tell Her Husband

1. I am so thankful for how hard you work and the way you provide for our family.

2.   I feel secure with you. You keep our family safe and protected.

3.   You are so important to the kids. I love the way you nurture and guide them. They really need you.

4.   I want you all to myself sometimes!

5.   How do you do that? I’m impressed at how well you……..

6.   I appreciate that you listen to me and try to understand me when I’m emotional, even if I don’t make sense.

7.   You are still so much fun to be with!

8.   I could not do all this without you by my side.

9.   I love seeing what God is doing in your life. You are a Godly man.

10. I am so attracted to you…lets go to bed!

Why a Marriage and Family Therapist Wants You to Exercise More!

My clients are always a bit surprised when the first homework assignment I give them is to increase their exercise. Whether they are depressed, anxious, angry or just stressed out, one of my first questions is “How often do you exercise?”

Why do I care? Physical activity is closely linked to our emotional well-being. Numerous studies report that exercise affects and improves our mood. We are happier, calmer and less stressed if we are moving on a regular basis. According to the article “Exercise and Depression”, we release a chemical called endorphins when we exercise. Endorphins act as analgesics, which mean they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. Thus endorphins trigger both positive and calming feelings in the body(WebMD, 2011).

According to an article called “Depression and Anxiety: Exercise Eases Symptoms” written by the Mayo Clinic Staff, exercise will also reduce the immune system chemicals that can worsen depression. Activity also increases our body temperature which can have a calming effect(Mayo Clinic, 2011).

Exercise also impacts your interpersonal relationships. Improved self esteem, mood and reduced stress allow us to function and problem solve better in our relationships. Not to mention, exercise also helps your sex life! A Harvard University study of 160 male and female swimmers in their 40s and 60s showed a positive relationship between regular physical activity and the frequency and enjoyment of sexual intercourse. Results stated swimmers in their 60s reported sex lives comparable to people in the general population in their 40s (Krucoff & Krucoff, 2000). Bortz & Wallace (1999) also found a high level of sexual activity and satisfaction to be correlated with degree of fitness in both older men and women.

So if you are thinking about adding exercise to your life, go for it! Not only will your body have great results, but your emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships will benefit as well. ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2014