World Suicide Prevention Day 2013

Hey everyone....today is World Suicide Prevention Day. We can all make a difference in Suicide Prevention. Take time to listen to those around you. Reach Out. If you know someone who is depressed or is struggling with suicidal thoughts please don't hesitate to refer them to us at www.wilkinsfamilycounseling.com  You can also give them this suicide hotline # 1-800-273-8255. If you believe they are in imminent danger, take them to your nearest emergency room or call 911. If you yourself are struggling with suicidal thoughts, remember " Suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem!" Get Help. Your life and you matter!

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

Back To School: Are Your Kids Feeling Anxious?

A Resource Guide for Separation Anxiety

What is Separation Anxiety?

Most children experience a degree of separation anxiety at some time. The typical developmental stage for separation anxiety is between the ages of 6 months and 24 months. Normal symptoms at this age include crying, clinging, or tantrums when separated from their primary caregiver. Older children in pre-school or elementary school, may also experience anxiety when leaving their parents. Common symptoms in older children may also include crying, clinging and even refusing to go to school or other activities they once had no trouble attending.

What Can a Parent Do?

Infants and Toddlers-

*Take a deep breath and reduce your own anxiety about separation when in front of your child. Children can feed off their parent’s anxiety.

*Arrange times for your child to consistently spend some time with another loving adult. (a neighbor, a friend, or maybe a church nursery) They will then get familiar with spending time with others.

*Never leave the child without saying “good-bye” and that you will come back. It may be tempting to sneak away but this sends a message to your child that they cannot depend on you to tell them when you are leaving. This could actually increase their anxiety if they learn they won’t know when you might leave.

*Once you have said “goodbye” leave quickly. Don’t hover and hesitate. Your child needs to learn that it is OK to say goodbye and that when you say it you mean it. Long and drawn- out goodbyes are more difficult on the child.

*Give your child a special transitional object to hold while you are away, such as a blanket or stuffed animal. This will make them feel more secure and will remind them of you.

Pre-school and Elementary School Children-

*Continue with the above information

*Unless there are medical reasons why your child cannot attend school, he or she should go! Allowing the child to stay home may enable him or her not deal with his or her anxiety. Talk with your child’s teacher or principal and devise a plan to help your child deal with his or her anxiety.

*Give your child a more age-appropriate transitional object (a picture of your family, a special note from you, a pocket sized rock or trinket that you can kiss before he or she leaves and which can be held by the child when they feel anxious).

* Develop a “bravery chart”. Every time you child attends school or other activity that causes anxiety he or she can earn a small treat or a special privilege. Never take away points! This is only to motivate and reward the child for positive behavior. Phase out the rewards once the child sees he is capable handling his fears. Explain rewards are only given in the beginning to help him/her get used to this new transition.

*Predict their success through a story. This allows the child to visualize himself handling his anxious feelings well. This tool is used by top athletes to visualize success in their sports. Tell your child a story about a successful day pretending you are him or her. Make sure the story includes what they are fearful of and make up a scenario with them handling it well. (“My name is Sarah and today I got up and had breakfast. I had oatmeal and it was yummy. I then put on my zebra leotard and my mom took me to gymnastics. I felt afraid at first but them I saw my coach Miss Carrie. She gave me a high five and then I felt better. I jumped on the trampoline and I had lots of fun! My scared feelings went way!”)

*Find an “anchor child” in your child’s class. This is another child that your child either has expressed that they like or maybe you think they would like them. Invite that child and his parent over for a play date or meet at the park to play. This allows your child to develop a deeper relationship with this child outside of class. Next time you go to class you can say “Hey look Johnny is here!” Your child will immediately feel more comfortable once they see they are not alone.

* Provide soothing activities at home such as drawing, painting, clay, water play etc.

These activities can relax your child and help reduce his or her anxiety at later times.

*Encourage the child to “play” out his or her worries with dolls, puppets, or action figures. Play "school" with your child. They can pretend to be the teacher or coach. Psychotherapists have used play therapy for years to help children work through their feelings. Play is a like a mini-world to children where they can process their emotions about the real world.

*Read stories about separation. (The Kissing Hand by, Audrey Penn; Franklin Goes to School by, Paulette Bourgeois) Reading books about separation normalizes the problem to the child and can build their confidence.

* If your child complains of physical problems such a stomach aches, headaches etc., discuss this with your pediatrician or school nurse. Your child may not really be sick, rather physically reacting to their internal anxiety. If your doctor decides he/she is not sick try externalizing the feelings by saying “Your tummy is trying to trick you by feeling sick…when your tummy does that tell him to be quiet and leave you alone!” Make sure your child eats a healthy breakfast and discuss with your pediatrician whether a mild antacid would help before school.

* Mom and Dad take a deep breath! This is such a hard thing to see your child go through! Hang in there and stay consistent with your plan. Typically this problem gets better with time. Remember it is actually a good thing for your child to learn that he/she can get through this. Anxieties regarding separation or new transitions are a part of life. Conquering this will equip them for later challenges in life.    ©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013

Summer Bucket List

Summer is here! Barbeque's, vacations, beach days, long walks at night, and movies in the park. It is a fun time for the whole family! Summer can also be relaxing and a time to reconnect with each other. Our schedules are not as hectic during the summer. The mad dash to complete homework at night or to wake up for school is lifted for at least a short time. Sociologist William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, emphasized the importance of rituals of connection in families. Doherty says, “Families have lost control of their time and are missing out on family rituals such as regular dinners, weekend outings, visits with grandparents, and family vacations” Families that are intentional on how they spend their summer can have deeper more meaningful experiences.

So why not step back and actually make a plan for your summer? Develop a “mission statement” for your family. Define what you really want to accomplish or experience so you have some direction for your summer vacation.

Keep it balanced

When deciding what you want to do this summer, I recommend that you keep it balanced. If there are no plans kids can get bored. This can lead to a depressed mood or an increase in sibling rivalry. However, don’t over-schedule your summer either! Consider quiet, relaxing goals that also allow for refreshment and reconnection. This kind of time is good for kids and for adults too! Maybe you also want to achieve some educational or spiritual enrichment. It will be different for every family.

Develop Your Summer B.U.C.K.E.T List:

B- Biblical or Spiritual Growth- Consider using this vacation time to grow spiritually as a family. You might start a family Bible study, find an OTS- Opportunity To Serve in your church or community, send your kids to a church day camp or overnight camp.

U-Unwind- Kids and parents are very busy during the school year. Use the summer to unwind and refresh yourselves. Some ideas might be to take long walks, sit by a fire and talk, relax at a pool or beach, make some days a “no plan” day, sleep in.

C- Connect- Summer is a great time to reconnect as a family and focuson relationships. Some ideas are to get a baby sitter and plan a date night with your spouse, have a “no technology” night, read a portion of a chapter book with your child each day, start a friendship journal with your child and write each other notes back and forth, enrich relationships with extended family or neighbors (have them over for a BBQ).

K-Keep Up with Academics- We want our kids to relax and have fun over summer, but we also want them to continue to learn. Summer is a great time to brush up on an area your child is struggling with or to have fun with some interesting educational activities. Some ideas are to sign up for a writing camp, hire a tutor, start a reading plan at home (let your child earn points and rewards), get a journal and practice writing about adventures over the summer, make books over the summer, play educational games, visit your community library, and take day trips to museums, zoos or other educational environments.

E- Exercise- Keep kids active! Exercise is closely linked to our mood. Not only do we have an epidemic of childhood obesity but we also have a rise in childhood depression in our country. Keeping kids active is imperative to their physical and emotional health. Some ideas are to sign your child up for a sport, take walks at night as a family, go swimming at the beach or pool, and encourage kids to play outside!

T- Try New and Fun Experiences! Don’t forget to plan some fun activities or vacations. These are those summer memories you will cherish for years to come. Some ideas are to start a family game night, attend activities put on by your community, plan a fun vacation, have a party or barbecue.

Once you set your goals and make your plan, assess a week at a time. Did we incorporate our B.U.C.K.E.T list this week? If you don’t achieve your goals every week, don’t sweat it! Your plan does not need to be rigid, but rather a way to give you direction.

©Elaine M. Wilkins, MFT 2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

Natural Disasters:

A Resource for Coping Families

   Reactions to a natural disaster differ from person to person. An event that may seem “unsettling” to one person can be felt as “traumatic” to another. This can also depend on the degree to which a family was affected. A family who was evacuated or experienced a loss due to the disaster will have more extreme reactions. Fortunately, most families that experience a natural disaster survive without developing any severe emotional problems.

 

Common reactions after a disaster may include:

 Profound feelings of sadness, grief, disbelief, and anger, emotional numbing, sleep disturbances or nightmares, depressed feelings, anxiety, forgetfulness, hyper vigilance, loss of hope, social with drawl, family conflict, increased use of alcohol and drugs, and difficulty functioning at school or work. These symptoms usually subside over time.

 

Possible Emotional Complications

Acute Stress Disorder may develop within the first month after a disaster and can last for two days to four weeks. Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is similar to Acute stress Disorder but develops weeks to months after the disaster. People suffering from either disorder may continue to experience the above symptoms as well as persistent nightmares or flashbacks. Individuals may also develop Clinical Depression. Depression is more than feeling “down” or “blue”. Depression can be severe impacting all areas of a person’s life.  It can impact their academics, social life, family relations etc. Depression can develop either suddenly or gradually and the affects can be brief or long-term. There are also different levels of depression.  It is experienced uniquely with each individual.  Please seek professional help if you or your loved one seems to have developed any of these problems.

 

Common Reactions of Children may include:

Children of all ages may seem anxious and express fear about future disasters. They may ask a lot of repetitive questions as they try to process and understand what has happened. It is not uncommon to see regression in their behavior.

Preschoolers: may suck their thumbs, cling to parents, have daytime or bed wetting, constipation, fear of darkness, and may even experience night terrors.

Elementary Aged Children: may increase “acting-out” behavior at home and school, be irritable, whine, have nightmares, increase rivalry with siblings, become needy for attention, they may withdraw from others and have difficulty concentrating on schoolwork.

Pre-teen and Teenagers: may be irritable and irresponsible, experience sleep disturbances, refuse to do school or home work, may have an increase or decrease in their appetite, experience stomach aches or headaches, problems concentrating, nightmares, and  may lose interest in typical activities.

These behaviors should decrease in time. If your child or adolescent does not seem to get better after several weeks and seems to have trouble functioning at home or school, seek professional help. They too could develop Depression or Anxiety.

 

How to Care For Yourself and Your Family

·         Be patient with yourself and your children. When you have been through a traumatic event you will need to expect some difficult feelings and behaviors from everyone. Arguing and fighting will happen. Try to keep things calm and supportive. Keep your routines consistent if you can. Validate and accept all feelings. Help kids focus on the positives (your safety, the importance of family, the real definition of a home, your blessings, the support you received from friends, family, and the community, etc.)

 

·         Keep talking! After a traumatic event it is important to share what you saw, how you felt, what you experienced. This allows your brain to process these difficult feelings and thoughts. You are less likely to experience flashback or nightmares if you talk to others about what you experienced. You may also want to process your feelings in a journal. Children may need to express themselves through artwork or play enactment.  However, constant focus on the disaster can be overwhelming to your mind and body. Take time to enjoy relationships, focus on your work, read, pray, get plenty of sleep, exercise and try some deep breathing.  Your mind and body are under a lot of stress and it is important to find healthy outlets.

 

·         Find Support. Allow others to lend a hand during this difficult time. If family or friends can help lighten the load right now take advantage of this!  Rely on your community or church help. Seek spiritual guidance.

 

·         Hug your children! Kids need physical touch when they have been through something traumatic. Play with your kids.  Children use play as a “mini” world to work through their fears and issues. Being present during their play helps them to feel heard and understood. Listen to your older children and teens. Don’t judge, just listen and be there for them. Friends are important to this age. Allow them to spend time hanging out and supporting each other. They need to process this experience with their friends too.

 

·         Seek professional help if needed.  After several weeks, if you or your family is not feeling better, have reoccurring nightmares and flashbacks or seem to have difficulty functioning please seek professional help from a therapist. This is not a sign of weakness. Even if you just need someone to talk to, there are counselors who care and would be happy to meet with you.

 

Wilkins Family Counseling is a private –practice counseling staff in Temecula, CA.

We would like to offer our deepest sympathies if you or a loved one has suffered from the tornado in Oklahoma.  If you or your family would like to schedule an appointment we would be honored to hear your story in a confidential setting and hopefully assist you during this difficult time. God Bless and we look forward to hearing from you.

When You Feel Like a Bad Mother!

Do you have those days when you feel like a horrible mother? For example, maybe you forgot something you were supposed to do for your child, or maybe you said something that hurt their feelings, or maybe you even yelled at your kid. On days like this, mothers can find themselves thinking "I'm such a bad mom!" I know because I have been there myself. However, this is a negative feeling that is distorted. It is black and white thinking! You are not all good or all bad. We have to balance this thought and remember that you have strengths as a mother and some days those shine. Yes, you probably have weaknesses too. Tell yourself you will work on those and excuse your bad day. Move on mom, and get back to doing what you do best....loving those children! If you need support as a mother please visit my website at www.wilkinsfamilycounseling.com  

Ten Ways to Empower Your Daughter

1.         Teach her that only God defines her value (not boys, friends, her appearance, her achievements etc.)

2.      Encourage a personal relationship with Christ. Show her how to pray, read the scriptures and how to have a devotion time with God.

3.       Remind her of her strengths. Verbally lift her up in front of others

4.       Encourage her to take risks but respect her when she feels cautious.

5.       Teach her how to have a voice for herself and how to set boundaries with friends, boys, teachers etc.

6.      Teach her how to be healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually.

7.       Always speak to her in a respectful way, even if you are angry. Do not argue with her like a sister or a friend.

8.       Work it out with her. You are the adult in the relationship. Teach her how to work through conflict.

9.      Own your mistakes and apologize to her when you have made a mistake.

10.    Model Godly behavior. Be the woman you desire for her to become! (Wilkins, 2013)